As 2016 transitioned into 2017 I was going through something traumatic, which I will get into at a later time, God started dealing with me in the area of transparency. The word kept coming up in everyday conversations. It kept coming up in my quiet time. It came up so much that I had to ask God, “Are you trying to tell me something?” His response was “be transparent”.

As human beings, we have a problem with letting people see our broken pieces. We have a problem with revealing that we don’t have it all together.  But God told me that the only way I was going to get through this was if I was willing to be transparent.

When people asked me how I was doing I couldn’t give them the textbook answer of “wonderful” that I usually give. I had to tell them the truth. I was hurt. I was devastated. I was broken. I was lost. I didn’t think I could make it another day. I was ready to give up, on everything and everybody.

It felt good not to put on the mask every day, but be able to tell people the truth and not care if they understood. The truth of my pain was for me because I couldn’t hide from it. This pain was with me every waking moment and haunted my dreams. To deny its existence would have been detrimental to my sanity.

As soon as I started to feel better about telling people the truth about myself, God brought up the word “transparency” again. I couldn’t figure out how much more transparent He wanted me to be with people. Then He told me that I needed to be transparent with myself. Now what is that supposed to mean?

I shouldn’t have asked that question. God told me that I had lied to myself so long about somethings, that they started to become my truth. I had buffered myself from the hurts in my life by saying, “I don’t like this or I don’t need that”. Even though I knew I wanted these things, because it hurt too much to not get them, I convinced myself otherwise.

For example, I was told at the age of twelve that I would never have children. I started telling myself, I didn’t want children. I told myself that for so long I started to act that way. Therefore, my attitude comes off as indifferent when I long to be a mother.

As I allowed God to peel away the layers of lies I had told myself, I started to see places in my life that were affected. I started to see the me that I created. I started to see that I hadn’t gotten over as many things as I thought, I had just swept them under the preverbal rug. Then I realized that I don’t like the person that was looking back at me. This person is lonely. This person is sad. This person is depressed.

Now that the truth had been revealed to me in full color, I had to make a decision. Do I take the easy road and stay this way? Or do I take the road less traveled and become what God has called me to be?

As I step out on faith, I know this choice will not always be easy. But with God all things are possible.