I started a committed weight loss journey January 2, 2017. So far with diet and exercise I have lost 26 pounds. My exercise regimen is cardio five days a week for at least 45 minutes. I was discussing this with a friend of mine and she suggested that I try this dance class that they offer at my gym.

First, I can’t dance. I have two left feet and no rhythm.

That same friend introduced me to the instructor one night. The instructor asked me, “Why haven’t you come to class, it’s fun?” I told her the same thing I stated before. “I can’t dance. I have two left feet and no rhythm.” She told me that it didn’t matter. That I should come to class anyway.

After much debate with myself I finally go. Ten minutes into class and I confirm that I can’t dance, I have two left feet and no rhythm. I couldn’t follow the steps. I was slowing down the class. I kept turning the wrong way. The instructor had to stop and show me what a two-step was. It was a disaster.

The one dance I did get, I counted in my head so much I don’t think I was ever on the beat. Every time we had to stop a dance, it was because of me. Every time we stopped I apologized and said, “I know, I’m bad at this.” After the third time of me saying how bad I was, the instructor told me to stop saying it. She told me stop thinking I’m supposed to do these dances perfectly, that it was ok for me to mess up.

When I left that two hour class I was depressed and almost in tears. I felt like I had made a fool out of myself. I set in the car texting the friend that suggested this class in the first place. The thoughts in my head during class about how bad I was replayed. I remembered myself standing on the side watching everyone else dance and have a good time while I was miserable and afraid.

Then I thought about other areas in my life. When did I become a spectator in my own life, miserable and afraid? Why am I watching other people live their lives while I tell myself that it’s impossible?

In my last post, Transparency, I spoke on how God was revealing me to me. Dictionary.com defines transparent as easily seen through, recognized, or detected; obvious. It was apparent that I had told myself for years that I can’t dance. It was obvious in my words, in my actions and in my demeanor.

In just two hours I had revealed to strangers my perfectionist ways, my low self-esteem, my need to be praised, my tendency to give up when things got hard, and my lack of belief in my own abilities. In those same two hours God revealed that to me as well.

I am still a work in progress. I can’t undo thirty plus years of damage in a few months, but I can stand on the truth that something needs to be dealt with. That first thing is the words that I say to myself about myself.

I can’t dance. Wait a minute, scratch that I don’t dance, but I’m willing to try.