I want to walk away from my life. I don’t know how to keep it together anymore. Responsibility is pulling me in multiple directions to the point I feel like an overused rubber band. Sometimes I want to turn off my phone, deactivate my Facebook account, close the door and not come out. I give and give, but told what I gave was not enough. I want to walk away from my life.

I wish I could go back to the beginning. I wish I could tell my mother she was enough, so she could impress it upon me. I wish I could tell my father that he doesn’t have to be perfect, then maybe I won’t feel the need to be. I wish I could tell the younger me to love herself unconditionally, so I wouldn’t have to remind myself now. I wish I could beg God not to send me to this earth because the absence of His presence would be too much. I wish I could go back to the beginning.

There is purpose in the pain. It’s hard to see the triumph through the haze of my tears. The barrage of negative thinking is louder than the positive. The memory of hurts and failures overshadow the joy and love. Even as I remove this tear soaked pillow case, I know there is purpose in the pain.

Psalm 51:16-17 The Message (MSG)

Going through the motions doesn’t please You,

    a flawless performance is nothing to You.

I learned God-worship

    when my pride was shattered.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love

    don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.