A conversation with my Father.

Me:

Abba Father, I love our time together. Just sitting here talking to You about any and everything. I can ramble on while You patiently listen to me. I can cry seemingly unending tears cradled in Your arms and You understand without me saying a word. You have shown me over and over again how much You love me. Every day You take care of me in ways I can’t even comprehend. I am nowhere near perfect, but You still allow me to come to You; never turning me away.

Even with all of this knowledge I still must say, I’m hurt. I did everything I was supposed to do. Not that I was trying to help You be God, but in expectation of the blessing I knew you would give me. I took the prenatal vitamins and the vitamin D. I don’t smoke, don’t drink, changed my eating habits, lost weight, and took every Lovenox shot they told me to take, but yet my arms are still empty. Not once, not twice, but three times my heart has been lifted then crushed under the weight of my hopes and dreams. How is it so easy for some, but yet so hard for me?

We finally got up the courage to try again. Yet today I have to mark “period started” on my calendar. Wait to start the process all over, again. Take my temperature, again. Look for signs of ovulation, again. Count the cycle days, again.

I’m so afraid. Afraid that this body doesn’t work. That 40 is too old. That I missed my chance. That we will never again see the plus sign on that stick. Afraid that my husband may leave because I can’t give him this one thing.

The questions that run through my mind can only be answered by You. If we do become pregnant again, what if we lose the heart beat again? What if I rupture again? Will I have to settle for being the mother of 4 angels instead?

Father I need answers.

God:

First of all My darling daughter, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you. (Song of Solomon 4:7) You are My masterpiece. I created you so you can do the good things I planned. (Ephesians 2:10) I made you in an amazing and wonderful way. (Psalm 139:14)

I know that you had great plans for your life and you thought that you would be further along by now. You decided when you were little that you where to be settled in your career as a lawyer by thirty-one, married early, and have two kids; a boy first, then a girl. None of that came to fruition as you dreamed. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is My purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21) I make everything beautiful in its own time. I have planted eternity in your heart, but even so, you cannot see the whole scope of My work from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) Wait on Me, be of good courage, and I shall strengthen your heart! (Psalms 27:14) Give all your worries and cares to Me, for I care about you. (1 Peter 5:7)

Even though you don’t understand right now, trust Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Remember I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. (Hebrews 13:5) Be confident of this, that I who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion. (Philippians 1:6)

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged. (Isaiah 41:10) Know that all things work together for good to those who love Me. (Romans 8:28) Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask Me for everything you need (Philippians 4:6) just like you are doing now. In those moments I will wipe every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 21:4)

Me:

Father, next time, please remind me not to hold my breath during the ultrasound. To anticipate the first movements of my baby inside me as a gift from You. Remind me not to delay my love until 24 weeks, but let it flow from the first positive test. Remind me that I can be happy and tell everyone that you have favored me again. Let my tears be of joy, thanksgiving, and praise. I trust You. Let Your will be done.

God:

You are blessed because you believe that I will fulfill my promises to you! (Luke 1:45) With an everlasting love I will have compassion on you. (Isaiah 54:8) Therefore do not lose heart. (2 Corinthians 4:16)

Me:

Thank You Father! In Jesus Mighty Name, AMEN! AMEN!! AMEN!!!